Crime Series: Who is Java Joe?

by Paul Pelech | staff writer

Yet another arrest for the possession of illegal coffee was made last night, but this time in Cary. The arrest of freshman Jonathan Schue confirmed police’s fear that the West La La Mob has spread to the last clean residence hall. While this may seem like a loss from the police’s perspective, it was accompanied by a large win: Schue confessed information about the Mob in exchange for a smaller fine.

The police have announced that the leader of the Mob is still unknown, but he goes by the name Java Joe. He has dealers in the west and north of campus, and is believed to have his eyes set on the east.

“We still don’t know who his dealers are or how many he employs,” Office Fischer made in a public statement early this morning, “but we know that he has an alias, which is important and useful, I’m sure.”

While it may seem like this spread to every residence hall is a gain for the Mob, it may prove to be more of a stress on the black market. Prices have already increased by 5% within the past week alone as the Mob’s limited supply had to be stretched out to meet the demand of Cary. Rumors of prices increasing further are already spreading around campus, however the recent increase in price has brought about only a minimal decrease in demand. “If prices don’t increase enough to lower demand to the levels necessary to prevent a shortage, the Mob may have several angry, frustrated addicts on their hands,” Dr. Wanda Ford, an economics professor said.

While using students scrape the bottom of their piggy banks to feed their addiction, police urge anyone who might have any information regarding the Mob or the possible identity of Java Joe to contact authorities. For anyone who can offer information that proves useful to the investigation, police will provide a reward of $50 (our sources tell us that that could buy 1.55 pounds of Mob coffee).

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