Crime Series: Students’ Return from Spring Break May be End of West La La Mob

by Paul Pelech | staff writer

As students return to their studies after a week of sand, beaches, and sun, campus authorities are hoping that the week away from stress may have cooled off the coffee craze that was funding the West La La Mob and its unknown leader Java Joe.

“We know that coffee use increases during times of stress. That’s exactly what midterms were for everyone: a time of stress. We are now just hoping that a break from the chaos is exactly what everyone needed to prevent the Mob from getting any more powerful,” Office Fischer stated.

While the brief lull in academics that is sure to follow spring break will most likely cause a decline in the demand for black market coffee, the stress of finals that will shortly ensue could revert the campus right back to the same position it was in before the week-long recess.

According to an anonymous poll sent out by the university via email, roughly 20% of students purchase illicit coffee from the Mob, and of that 20%, 95% use coffee every day. “The likelihood of addictions this strong just vanishing after a week at the beach is very small,” Dr. Daniel Martin, a biology professor, said. “It’s going to take weeks to wane off of something that strong. Odds are the same students who were using before the break will be using again by the end of the week.”

What’s more startling is that Dr. Martin predicts that those addicts will be using as much as they did during times of high stress when they resume. “The tolerance for coffee can be very high. That’s what makes it so dangerous.”

In order to jump start demand again, many believe that Java Joe will decrease prices during the first week back, the goal being to get his customers hooked again before raising prices to their usual amount.

Hopes that a waning demand would spell the end of Java Joe and his Arabica Empire proved fruitless when his supply of unique coffee grounds inexplicably increased. It is now believed that he raised prices only briefly to cause fear of even higher prices in the future. This fear caused his customers to buy more coffee before what they thought would be a massive shortage. When the price actually dropped, many users were frustrated to say the least, but many more were too lost in their daily high to even notice that they had been ripped off.

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